nc,m,vkv

Wow! Lady Kung Fu just got into a scrap with a dog in the alley below. I think it was only a war of words, and that is lucky for the dog; it could have been a timber wolf for all I know (heard it, but saw it not), and she still would of kicked its ass.

The first time I saw Lady Kung Fu, I thought, now there is a sweet little old Chinese grandma out collecting cans, until another can dude came along and she started screaming bad, bad words at him and lobbing anything non-returnable at his head.



Be thy man or beast, fuck not with Lady Kung Fu!

I am going to go link crazy as soon as I have the time...Jay's blog, 'Working Girls' and about 3 more.

The topic of SPs in peril brought up the idea of an underground railroad for us gals...

"then, in the shadows of a moonless night, the posse of kindly Quakers hustle the unfortunate SP to the next safe house, groaning under the burden of carrying 72 pairs of shoes, a suitcase of feather boas (Jeb found, to his amazement that 110 of them could be quite heavy, feathers or no feathers) and Luke, with his tractor trailer full of sexy dresses brought up the rear with the Freightliner's lights out to avoid attracting attention..."


PS. The term SP means 'service provider', and is a common term here in Vancouver to replace, ummm, I don't know...ho?

Here's some more wicked words;

Slut, whooer (pronounced in the "I'm a drunk redneck yelling at my girlfriend in the gravel parking lot of Hawg's Bar 'n' Grill" fashion), lady of the night, working girl, on the game (British), on the corner, MPA (Massage Parlour Attendent), bitch (as in the immortal 'where my bitches at?), tart, STW (I hate this one; Sex Trade Worker; it sounds like some chick wearing a 'Che' crop top is going to take your $$$, tell you you've already been fucked by Capitalism and then start a Socialist paper that nobody will ever read), courtesan (the one I like, but then again, I read books 'n' stuff), lot lizard (chicks who hang out at big truckstops 24-7), and many gazillion more...all of which escape me because i just got up and haven't eaten yet...

Feel free to provide more! It's the "Name That Floozy" game! Brought to you by Hasbro.

It's important to know the difference between a floozy, and a regular chick. Please look at the pictures below if you are unsure.



Yes



No

Change is afoot, and I'm wrapping a few things up. Shag Me Retarded, however, will survive the conflagration. Good things lie ahead.

http://www.angryalien.com/0504/shiningbunnies.html

"The Shining In 30 Seconds" As performed by bunnies.

Sorry I haven't posted for a bit - I've not been feeling well, and the doctor is thinking maybe I've got an ulcer or something going. Starting a prescription for Tagamet tonight. May I just say that being nauseous about 18 hours a day for the last two weeks makes riding in cabs and elevators a real bitch? To say nothing of...um...other occupationally-oriented endeavors...

Great. Terrorist spam. What'll they think of next? Shooting doctors? Trying to kill emergency personnel?

THE PASSION LIVES (Thanks, Mel. I'll never watch "Mad Max" again.)

YOU'RE NOT GOD, SHE SAID IN THE TORMENTED SCREECH OF HER ANGER. BUT THEN SHE COOLED DOWN AND TAUNTED ME SMUGLY, SAYING, I MAKE $3,000 AN HOUR. BUT IT WAS IN THE NEXT BREATH THAT SHE CUSSED ME TO HELL WHEN I SAID TO HER THAT IT IS JESUS CHRIST WHO SAYS THAT ALL UNREPENTANT *PROSTITUTES, WHORES, PORNOGRAPHERS, PIMPS, ADULTERERS, LYING POLITICIANS, CROOKS, THIEVES, GAMBLERS, BABY KILLERS, INDECENT AND IMMORAL ESCORTS, AS WELL AS GODLESS PREACHERS AND HOMOSEXUALS WILL ALL BURN IN EVERLASTING HELLFIRE!!!

If there is one thing that is absolutely critical for each one of us to understand during our lifetime it is that death and hell are not a joke. Death comes to every person. God's eternal and everlasting judgment awaits us all. Some to heaven and some to hell. For this reason it is essential for each one of us to know that the **God who created us is absolutely rabid about His hatred for murder, adultery, pornography, immorality, violence, brutality, thievery, homosexuality and abortion. So that every liberal Christian pastor, priest..., lying politician, movie actor, actress or director..., or any other person who says that the God of Truth, Justice and Love is the eternal friend of homosexuals, whores, pornographers, adulterers, gamblers, false gods and baby killers…, is a liar. FROM GOD'S MOUTH TO YOUR EARS..., JESUS CHRIST SUFFERED, DIED AND ROSE AGAIN FROM THE DEAD SO THAT YOU MIGHT ESCAPE THE WRATH OF HIS HELLFIRE. SO YOU MUST REPENT AND CHANGE. AND DO IT NOW!!!


* Man...I'm busted three times. Feeling crispy already. I'm not mocking this guy here...not really, I'm actually kind of in awe, because sarcasm pales beside hatred this venomous. I'd suggest he do something dramatic to further his religious agenda, like maybe hijack a couple of airliners and fly them into the World Trade Center, but another group beat him to it.

**Best case of projection ever....

If I ever write a novel, this'll be the first line, "Here in Birdtown, things were spiffy".

Check this Rhodes Scholar action...

From : John Smith
Sent : April 22, 2004 9:20:32 PM
Subject : Your web site.


Hi.
Your web site....it sucks.
(sorry) but it's the truth.
You are different, I'll give you that.


Will ya? Will ya give me that? Thank fucking Christ, because I tell ya, I was this fucking close to being riven with despair at the cold hard light of truth you shone upon me.

This email arised today. I am embrassed to say that regardless of sex,race,ethnicity and religious beliefs, I do not know what the fuck this guy is talking about. Not one honourable clue.


*******************
Dear sister

With a critical evaluation on any embrassment this
massage might cause considering the fact that we
haven't seen each other face to face before nor had
any contact / transaction what so ever ,the situation
on ground has arised for strigent/urgent measures
regardless of sex,race,ethnicity and religious
beliefs.

As against all odds, l wish to call your honourable
attention to come as a next of kin to late
Engr.Roberto Zanetti,a south American who had a
current account with my bank,to prevent disbursement
of this fund to charity homes.

Indicate your interest via my email for details.Please
do include your direct tel.number.This message has
been deemed classified.

Best regards,
Mr George Lawal

********************

My answer?

Regarding the rotundity of your value request, perhaps tadpoles. The eagle has landed. Shama lama lama ding dong. Fire!

Seventeen Reasons Why Americans Should Come See Me;

1. I am an exotic foreigner.

2. I have all my Canadian teeth.

3. I order you to; we burned down your puny White House a while back, and it now says "Empress of America" on my business cards.

4. If you don't, I'll hunt down Mickey Mouse and kick his ass.

5. I have tits; Celine Dion doesn't.

6. I got the bling blingingest muthafuckin' igloo in tha hood, dawg.

7. I won't shoot you; we prefer to smother our enemies in the sinister snow that covers our alarming land.

8. I ain't never done no "moose porn".

9. I can shoot Timbits out my...ok, I'm lying.

10. We busted a move on one of your cruise ships once, and you guys called us pirates - and we all know pirates are dead sexy.

11. With our vast military power we can fuck you up if you don't be kissin' our ass.

12. Exchange rate, baby!

13. I can't count so you can probably shortchange me.

I met a wonderful gent last night - articulate, smart, and silly - just the way I like 'em...we talked about cool stuff like; purple gas, how every hotel over 50 years old has had at least one person die in every room, drag queens, and the sublime appreciation dogs have for their own puke...and then screwed each other silly...

I love my job!

Ahhhh...time to bust a move. Things goin' be a lil' different round these parts from now on.



Out.




In.

I want to do is save my money so I can pay back my best friend who helped me pay for braces on my teeth a few years back, and then I want to buy a ticket to Korea so I can visit my other best friend. Then in September, I'm going to move to a place around my neighbourhood somewhere where I can get myself a pup.

I haven't had a pup since I was a kid - well, sort of - when we got Quinn (my shared kinda dog who can't live with me) he was maybe 6 months old, but he was a big wiggly sucker by then. I actually found him on the internet, in a shelter about an hour's drive away. Plus, when I'm at my new place, he can come over for sleepovers with me and the new pup.

When I still lived at the other place where we could have him, he used to run into my room every morning to leap on my bed - and every morning I'd pretend to get crazy mad, roaring "What!?! Dogs can't go on beds! Are you crazy! Oh my god! There's a dog in my bed! Holy crap!"
He loved it - he'd wiggle all over the bed, looking very evil, whapping his tail all over the place, then leaping off my bed (a futon on the floor) bouncing off the couch beside my bed, growling and snorting and grinning and bouncing back onto the bed and off me about ten times, then he'd run away. This is 55 pounds of yellow beast, mind you.

So yeah. It'll be super cool when he can come by and hang out. Whenever I get bummed, just thinking about him really helps me get my groove back.

Ok...I'm back. So...onwards and upwards.

I am going to have a wonderful summer - I feel reborn. I'm going to be even as happy as this very dog...

More great offers! If only I lived in the same country as THE BEST AND LUXURY APARTMENTS in question!

IN MIAMI WE HAVE THE BEST AND LUXURY APARTMENTS FOR RENT BY DAY,WEEK OR
MONTH.SPECTACULAR
VIEWS,ALLEQUIPED,COVERED PARKING SPACE,JACUZZI,POOL,GYM.VERY QUIET AND PLEASANT
BUILDING LOCATED IN ONE OF THE BEST AREAS IN MIAMI,SUNNY ISLES.PRIVATE AND
DISCRETE
ENTRANCE.ASK FOR RATES AND PHOTOS TO JULIOW@BELLSOUTH.NET

Boy...I sure am a lucky girl to get email offers like this!

hey there,

looking to hook up wid you guys for some fun loving good times. I am 20 years old west indian who is extremely well endowed and last for hours upon hours, i have tons of energy, the women say they find it hard to keep wid me. I've been wid two women before, who said it was the best sex they ever had. i am a swinger, so if your looking for some good sex, and willing to put the money aspect aside than give me a shout. willing to travel.

ryan


My best favourite part?

willing to put the money aspect aside than give me a shout

Okay...ummm...I'm freakin'...I am doing my first girl/girl/guy threesome...

SCHWINGGGG!!!

Oh great, you boys are so much help...

Yes...it does take a while to load. But you will laugh. I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

http://turnpikefilms.com/spots/nutrigrain.html

Hee hee...I just thrilled the spots off this old guy in a wheelchair at Starbucks. I noticed somebody had done something extra stupid on the front page of the Vancouver Sun (left a military truck with some radioactive stuff unlocked overnight somewhere in civilian land where somebody decided to steal said radioactive stuff - the very worst kind of stuff, by the way - and run glowing into the night) and so I was bending over to check this out in the newspaper box, then straightened and was walking by the old duffer when he said, grinning, "You've got a run in your stocking".

I sure enough did, but tried a little something once I got home. I bent over in front of a mirror and checked it out. Lord Amighty, y'all could just about see the promised land - or at least lots of thigh above my stockings - and I'm sure I gave that guy a woody like in the good ol' days when all the pretty ladies wore cocktail dresses and gartered stockings.

It made my day!

Okay...I find this amusing, and I think I've mentioned it before; while doing my thing, I am the bomb; a little Mae West; a little Kathleen Turner; a little Bugs Bunny in drag...however, when I am off the clock, I am the worst seductress ever. This occasion was particularily difficult, as I was at this person's work, and they were, so to speak, a bit of a captive audience.

Also, let's mention the obvious; it's not as easy to tell if a guy is interested when he's wearing pants.

And, though this man is the absolute king, bar none, in a very social job, I think he is actually a bit shy. Because of the captive audience aspect, I've been moving this along rather slowly for more than a month...anyways, since we've spoken about movies a fair bit, I gave him my phone number and said that, should he wish, I would be into seeing a movie during the day on Friday.

So that gives him practically a whole week to arrange for a passport, tickets, and a new identity should he not be into it.

A side note; I was practically lacking in fabulousness as well, on purpose. Not that I was scaring the little children, but I was wearing my glasses, hair was decidely carefree, no earrings, a long-sleeved t-shirt kinda thing, and some of the most baggy-assed Mavi jeans imaginable. This did not seem to put him off, and in fact he went out of his way to personally create a fantastic dessert for me - chocolate pate with some type of yummy liqueur, raspberry and mango coulis, whipped cream and chocolate sauce - on the house.

Perhaps this is the culinary equivalent to tumescence.

Another tangent; oddly, while on my way to where I would see this person, I was walking down the sidewalk on the south side of Robson, and heard the squeak of bike brakes behind me, so I stopped so the guy would go around and in front of me, at which point he said, "I was enjoying watching your ass". I advised him to run into a sidewalk sign.

I can only imagine that at some point (probably in the summer when I was wandering the sun-dappled alpine valleys in search of nutritious lichens) I was tagged in the hindquarters with a tiny subcutaneous transmitter by the Wildlife Protection Service, and this dude on the bike had used it to locate my ass in the billowing volume of my pants.

It is the only plausible explanation.



Speaking of which, here's a photo from the summer - me and a friend waiting for London Drugs to open so we could buy phone cards.

I am getting lazy with my blog-writing these days, and hope to remedy my slackness.

The problem with a blog is that the really interesting stuff is rants or hissy-fits - placid happiness is pretty boring. But given this site is attached to a business site, wherein it is my business is to appear, at the very least, pleasant, 'interesting' stuff is quite likely to annoy/intimidate potential clients.

So, it would seem, I'm in a bit of a jam, content-wise.

Do I even want clients who are annoyed/intimidated by strong opinion? In the real world; no. In the I-have-to-pay-my-bills world; yes. So maybe lazy isn't the term I was looking for to describe my present condition - perhaps it's closer to thoughtful.

This is kind of a neutral story. On Saturday night I almost saw urban evolution at work. Imagine you are facing eight cops with a variety of guns drawn and pointed at you - anything from your standard issue handgun to the ERT-style guy with the shotgun.

Now imagine these same people are all yelling at you to "DROP WHAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND!!!!", because you are clutching an unidentified object in your raised right hand.

Now, ponder this selection of actions, and pick the one most suited for not having your ass shot off;

1. Drop the object.
2. Drop the object.
3. Stand there like a fucking tool and continue to grasp object.

Our lucky winner chose #3 for a good eight seconds. What? Did he suddenly figure out that Bruce Willis was actually dead in the 'Sixth Sense'? That although all chicks are on the rag for a week every month they aren't all doing it on the same week? That Communism simply won't work? I mean what?

I seriously thought they were going to shoot him just for being exceptionally stupid. It must have been tempting.

And another thing? You know that photo of the flaked-out kitten a few posts down? Those things he's laying on are whole wheat bagels. He's that fucking huge.

By the way, a really good friend of mine is a stubborn annoying bastard who won't let me boss him around, but I love him anyway.

I think this is funny - for the second time, I've been told, "Hey! Your boobs are real!" Apparently they are so perky as to appear enhanced in my photos. All the benefits, but no auto immune disease and chest disintegration. I guess I won some kind of tit lottery. Cool.

I haven't really seen a lot of other people's boobs, so this stuff is all news to me.

This is a squirrel, and he has a few things he would like to make crystal clear.

www.illwillpress.com

I, on the other hand am not a squirrel, but rather some kind of cute yet ineffectual hibernating fuzzlump. I'm taking a couple of Gravol to sleep at night (which works very well, at least until you build up a tolerance) and today went for a two mile walk. Upon my return I ate a lovely bowl of oatmeal with apple, apricot, cranberries and honey added during cooking, and promptly went into a coma for three hours.

I imagine there is a happy medium between sleepless zombitude and coma-like torpitude; I just need to

*topples to floor*

I'm goin' to Cranky Bitch Feminist Hell! Vagina schmagina...

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/

I have a new slogan..."Offending the Prissy Since 1974" Whatcha think, Soul Brothas and Sistahs?

Swiped this from Metafilter; they swiped it from the Guardian; it's cat-slappin' funny :)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/features/story/0,11710,1135399,00.html



"Hippie music up yours!"

Actually, let me amend that. An Al Queda suicide bomber purposely targeting Canadians, injuring three and killing one who was supposed to going home on February 6th to propose to his girlfriend really pisses me off.

From a client who had to cancel a session...

"I did not get across the border due to my driving record. And I won't be able to get there for another 5 years due to a 10 year waiting period from the last sentence date. THANK YOU MR. TERRORIST!!!"

Now you Al Queda people have really pissed me off.

I wonder just how different men are from women...and just so you know where I stand on this, let me assure you that I find most women mysterious and somewhat diabolical. I'm on your side, guys.

But still...sometimes I think that when guys do something hurtful, in many cases obliviousness plays a larger part then malice. Kind of like when my dog comes up and jumps on me to give me a joyous hi-how-are-ya kiss. This is a biggish dog, and I really could do without the paws in the gut, or him knocking me in the face with his lovely head that's apparently made of rebar and cement.

I'm glad my dog loves me.

But he does know better.

And it gets tiresome.

Women, on the other hand, to reuse the dog analogy, would put their paws on their hips and tell you you're lucky to get any smooches at all, ignore you for twenty minutes then ask, "Does this tail make my ass look fat?"

The answer to that question, by the way, is "Yes - but man, it sure makes your tits look big...let's fuck right here on the kitchen table you voluptuous wench".

You'll either be ravished like a fresh cabin boy on a pirate ship, or beaten to death with a Thighmaster TM.

Considering I seduce for a living, I found it pretty funny I was so clutzy asking someone out tonight...oh well...they did say yes, so I must have at least been half-assed charming about it. He was at least as awky as I was, so I'm amazed an actual plan was made. Of course now I have to figure out the best way of introducing my vocation into the mix.

Separates the men from the boys, that does :)

rathergood fans are my friends.

http://www.rathergood.com/laibach/

Okay...comments to be restored when I get to it, as I have been busy GETTING NEW PHOTOS!




"Oh dear! My frou-frou little dogs have gotten into the bon-bons again, and are vomiting profusely on the oriental carpet! Jeeves! Throw them into the moat at once!"

$1,112.56 CAD +$400 CAD; so, basically, $1,500 gets me 6 days in Memphis, Tennessee. At an airport hotel, which is great because airport hotels always have free shuttles to the downtown area. I prefer that to some hotel 'downtown' where you have no idea where the hell you are, or how to get anywhere else.

Plus this airport has a free shuttle to Graceland, even. Hell, I'll check it out.

Travelocity Last Minute Deals...mmmmmmmm

Seal pup walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "What can I get you?"

Seal pup "Anything but Canadian Club".

"...homoerotic piles of blubbering hobbits."

This is the sentence I like best of all the writing I have done for SMR.

And yes, I am well known for laughing at my own jokes...and I've always wondered about that idea...why wouldn't you laugh at your own jokes? Perhaps you are just not very fucking funny, and all your friends are secretly plotting to kill you.

It's worth looking into.

If your friends brought you this nicely decorated cake for your birthday, and told you "It was already like that at the bakery", they are lying - they did it themselves!.

My pal S. is over in South Korea, and I found a cool site to tell me what time it is over there;

http://www.worldtimeserver.com/time.asp?locationid=KP

Or, it's whatever it is here, plus five hours, then change the am/pm designation to its opposite.

So it's 6:46 am there now. I wonder if he is sleeping ok. Those Korean park benches are hard!

But the kimchee is good.

Oh dear. I saw a horribly awful movie the other night. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

Is there some kind of hypno-ray myself, my friend, and at least 10 members of the audience escaped? By the end...and oh, was it a looooooooong wait, open ridicule had broken out.

*Interminable scenes of watery-eyed hobbits staring at each other prompting, "Get a room!".

*Way overblown soundtrack was interrupted at pivotal 'scary' moments by a guy making screechy cat noises.

*Then there were the three or four, 'thank Christ it's over' psyche endings being greeted by variations of "oh God, no!" when it was apparent that it was in fact not over.

*All admired the things-getting-knocked-to-shit parts and the horde-crushing Death Mammoths. Unfortunately these were interrupted far too often by annoying people either spouting pretentious dialogue or about to burst into tears. Often both.

Fuck. Wish him luck...every catastrophe known to man and beast has got him on its 'to do' list.

Awwww...I'm saying goodbye to someone who is very dear to my heart tonight. I don't make close friends often, so I'll really, really miss him. He's off to plunder foreign lands, and it would be against the pirate code for me to get all soft and girlie, so I'll have to do my best.

Wish me luck.

Life is good. I found a bunch more music I like - Hot Snakes, Swayzak, Herbalizer, Spooky - thanks to the magic that is GNOD.

http://www.gnoosic.com/

Kind of hard to explain - basically, you tell it what bands you like, and it brings up an arrangement of other band names, spaced out around your original picks. The new names closest to an original name are most like that band - those farther away; less so.

Wicked for when you are just way bored with your music but have run out of download ideas.

Just so you know...snow can blow me. Stupid snow!

Resolutions!

* Get enough sleep. For me, I've discovered, that's 10 hours.

* Continue to grocery shop on a regular basis so I don't find myself fusion cooking with tartar sauce, Cheerios, and maraschino cherries.

* Learn to enjoy medication side effects. Are they not like getting stoned for free? Not really. But do it anyway.

* Get a passport again.

* Pay off a debt to a friend of $3000. Then go on a real live vacation.

* I should tell someone I don't really like to stop calling, rather than fake somebody knocking on the door, complete with sound effects.

* Stop worrying about not having a credit card anymore. Isn't cash more circumspect anyway?

* Find some kind of mind/body thing I really like - am trying mat Pilates at the moment. So far, so good.

* Continue progress with GI Index approach to eating. I'm eating tons of fruit these days. Also ditched salt somewhere, and didn't even notice.

* Realize that cooking is for people who like it. If it takes more that 10 minutes, screw it.

* Life without booty will be pretty much like regular life, but with less booty. Figure out a reason this is a good thing. Or ignore it. But no pining.

* Learn to make a decent gin and tonic. For guests. I don't drink.

* Continue buying few things, but things of good quality, and with an eye to future upgrade potential.

* Have a good $5000 stashed at any given time, should I need it in a hurry.


Doable stuff. No heroics - but it's the details that truly make life less of an appalling mess riven with temper tantrums and littered with gnashed teeth.

Happy New year!



"Good God Harold! You're drunk again?"

This is an escort from France with, I swear, the worst breast implants ever. Good God!

http://hotescort.maisonx.com/sophia/photo/sophia05.jpg

Sorry lady...but you must have had some input into this procedure!

Happy Holidays, one and all!



"Back the fuck off with that mistletoe, Mister - I ain't telling you again!"

Soundtrack of today;

Sonic Youth
Detroit Cobras
Stranglers
KRS 1
PIL
The Fall
Wu-Tang Clan
Couch
Slayer
Themselves
Curve
Fischerspooner
Jeans Team
Gary Jules
Tarwater
Gonzales
Utah Saints
Aimee Mann
Maximilian Hecker
Crowns on 45
2Unlimited
Louie Austen
Alonzo

I've been a little short on content blogwise - that's because life has been ass-staggering tall on content. I'm getting my finances bitch-slapped by a finance company who is going to buy out my debt and then poke me with a stick for six years. Which is good - bankruptcy blows. This way everybody gets paid. Also my booty call is going to Asia in three weeks, so I must booty while the sun shines.

Bought some cool stuff for business - a portable CD player and a set of mini speakers, which means my lucky clients get to listen to old school blues and jazz while drinking a little Frangelico on ice before the carnal knowledge starts. I always get a kick out of Eartha Kitt slithering out with 'Love For Sale', and Doris Day doing 'I'm in the Mood for Love'.

Plus I got a sweet piece of luggage - do you have any idea how incredibly ugly most of it is? Brown vinyl. Navy. Grey. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

So, it took a long time to find a delightful dusky blue hardsided rig. But I did, and on sale even! Glory be to the Lord!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/endofworld.html

This made me laugh my hyena ass off...

Bought a new printer today as my old one suddenly took up a coughing fit and spit up a broken-off chunk of important-looking plastic. Just as microchips implanted under the skin herald the Apocalypse, I took it as a bad sign. So I have a new Epson Supahfly John 3:16, and it prints up mighty good.

Now, the issue.

I desperately want to chuck the old printer out my fourth floor window because I imagine the sight and sound of an HP Deskjet 3420 belly flopping onto pavement would be spectacular. But my so-called 'friend' tells me it's illegal. Bastard. He probably throws all kinds of shit out his window (on the sixth floor, no less). Shopping carts, boiling oil, bull elephants - the works.

It's hard to be good.

So...I've got this guy pretending to be John Mayer emailing and paging me...where do I start?

I've realised that people's peculiarities don't bug me - and believe you me, I know from peculiarities - it's individual prickishness that repulses me like a slug racing away from a can of Pringles. Like to wear granny panties on your head and eat chalk? Fine by me. Don't 'believe' in tipping? (realize this could be misconstrued - I'm referring to waiters, bartenders, etc., not myself) My very flesh crawls.

I am currently in the thrall of I-want-to-have-a-dog-really-really-bad. So I plan to buy a pup around this time next year. I know a fair bit about the pros and cons of various breeds, and am going to get a purebred because you can't find little dogs at the pound. And usually, that's where I'd go. But really, what you find there is a zillion variations on Rottweiler/staff/pit/labs, and an average weight of about 70 pounds. Not an apartment dog, nor one likely to be looked at fondly by landlords.

So. Little dog. A punting hound. I have it narrowed down to three breeds; French bulldog, Pomeranian, or Pug. I really like pugs, but they are going through a phase of over-breeding for the marketplace at the moment, and that produces unhealthy dogs. Pomeranians are awesome, but can yap, especially males, and Frenchies have the eye problems common to dogs with shortened muzzles. Oh well...I have a year to figure it out :)

This thing is so cool, I nearly wept with ridiculousness. The net gives me a woody at least once a day.

http://www.hoogerbrugge.com/NAILS/movies/011.swf

Sorry for the rant...but for some reason it came up three different times in the last twelve hours, so I was getting a little fed up...

Hello...a word to those thinking about asking me to engage in unsafe sex...I'm sorry, do I look like I'm stupid? I especially like it when they offer me extra money. Here's my suggestion, Sunshine;

A. Buy a big bag of crack.

B. Remove a ten dollar bill from your wallet.

C. Drive around the Downtown Eastside dangling both out your window.

D. Lure some fucked-up eighteen-year-old into your Mercedes, if you can find any the serial killers haven't gotten.

E. Fuck.

F. Get sick.

G. Die.


Am I making myself perfectly clear here? And don't wave stats in my face - the thing about a lottery is that though the odds of winning are low, somebody ALWAYS wins, so I don't buy tickets. If you do, that's your problem - and I tend to not get along with the stupid.

I love hotels...for about 20 seconds after I don't need them any more. I never actually sleep there - my house is, from any given downtown hotel, not more than about 8 blocks away. I feel the same way about planes, only it's 20 seconds after takeoff, which is the best part. The sucking starts almost immediately, because you aren't any fucking where.

Like what? La la! I'm in the sky!? Shut up and read a Maclean's already, suckah! Why can't they just dart you as you go down that vacuum hose thing to the plane, drag your body into the cargo hold and do it that way? Airlines are in big trouble money-wise these days, so what they would spend in tranquillizer darts, and certified personnel to do the winging you know they'd make it up big not having crap like seats or stewardi. Then they just slide y'all out those emergency slides when they get you where you're going.

So you wake up a little scuffed with a bit of roofie fog. Anything is better than being awake for more than 40 seconds in an Airbus 3000.



"Shitbirds! I think I left the iron on."

Quasimodo is a pretty ugly dude, right? That would mean, I presume, that if one was truly alarming-looking you would call them "modo", correct? That's my made-up word of the day, and I will now use it in a sentence;

"Anne sighed, her lovely brow furrowing as she confided in a whisper, 'contrary what Mary says, I must say her new baby is truly modo'."

I now release my new word on its brave flight to dictionaryism. If Beyonce Knowles can get 'bootylicious' in Webster's, I can take a shot with 'modo'.

Here's the plan - all who read this must use 'modo' often, and with volume. To help you out, here are some common occasions ideal for its use;

Standing around in the coffee room at work, suddenly announce. "That new painting in reception is so modo, they must hunt down and shoot the artist before he does any more harm", yawn broadly and quickly walk away .

Washing your hands in a public washroom, declaim "That fucking Palestinian/ Israeli thing is modo man, I mean, what the fuck?" Carefully dry hands on paper provided and exit calmly.

You are standing at an intersection when a supahfly Black dude pulls up in a stylish pimpmobile, so now you must say, "Word motherfucka! That shit be so fine, otha rides be nuthin' but serious modo, dog!" Salute smartly and leave the area.

As you can see, using a new word can be easy and fun! Good luck!



Fly little word! Oh, fly! Fly!

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

~Anonymous~


Indeed.

To those frightened by the Krankyass Kitty, here is a picture of my dog, who seems to be in a much better frame of mind.

Boy...I hate having to turn away business - but as I told a very nice fellow tonight, though I would love to see him, I'm not sure he wanted to see the "flu version" me. Not so fabulous, my friends. And how.

As I spent a fair amount of my time trying to get rid of teeth-chattering chills in my tub in the hottest water I could stand , I suspect I looked more like this;



than perhaps this;

I am, at the moment horridly ill with the flu, so I'm thinking I should be recovered by the weekend.

On the Internet, Nobody Can Hear You Scream.

Which kicks ass. I mean, you can ATTEMPT !! SCREAMING!!! but you look like even more of a loser than you would live. Besides, delete, bounce, ignore, and block means everybody has an instant fuck off button, and is gleefully itching to use it. So. If you do have something you need to scream about, you actually have to get a host and website. Trolling other people's sites is only entertaining for so long.

So. You have to think about what you are going to say, and how to get somebody to read it. Which means, as you've already learned, that SCREAMING AT PEOPLE won't work. Again with the thinking. You may even be sidetracked by site design tutorials...which leads to design forums, where, again, because you want something other people have, you have got to be nice and not totally frothing fucking bananas. Be nice.

http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/1096/tomylove.html

Which means this guy is probably a human-head toting cannibal. Thought you should know.

I have a headache that would make a moose cry. And that is a sorry sight. Maybe I'll draw a headachey moose.



"Dude...this Tylenol blows"

Hate...all..other free blog setups out there...tried two when I was at my wit's end...even if I can't get the archives to work, Blogger still kicks serious ass on Pita.com and Diaryland.com.

If I can get the archives to work, I'm going to start paying for this sucker. I have seen the damn light.



Behold the moment Jesus got his site "Ha Ha, I Told You So, Now You Sinning Bastards Are All Going Straight Into Eternal Hellfire" working properly. I know just how He feels, and it is Good.

Yay! I met some really cool people this weekend, both in person and net, and I suppose this means the human race will struggle on. Good on youse I say. I am in the process of finally getting another passport, as I have been asked if I might travel a bit, and I think I will. I won't "tour" the US, but I will meet someone I've met previously should they miss me too much, stuck in some resort in Barbados.

I'd really like to travel to China , or visit Moscow. And I speak Spanish, so Barcelona would be great - I could finally see Gaudi's work. I could probably read Italian, and I can read French somewhat, given the common Latin roots and the Canadian phenomenon of soup can French. Berlin would be on my list, and Bombay.

I took my friend Michael out for lunch, and we brought Quinn, our dog. Quinn can't live with me in my apartment, so he stayed with Michael when I moved. He was very good, letting the little brown cafe sparrows hop around eating the bread crumbs without trying to eat them. You'd think they'd be pretty good - and efficient too; if you got them to eat a little garlic, they'd make their own stuffing. Yum!

Ah...hotels....



Now THAT is a sweet room. Notice the complimentary fan poised to blow your eyeballs out once they've started to burn from the wickedness wrought by combining red and fuschia. Unless you've already escaped through that little window and are using that prop stick to beat yourself senseless in a grim bid for memory loss.

I've been fussin' with my site lately - added some cool affiliate links. Lots more cool naked ladies - and some of them aren't even me! Yippee!



I mean how cool is this chick? Very.

Saw lots of little kids dressed up as rabbits, and cats and bears - basically a lot of very cute fuzzy kids - which put all the Japanese ESL students on Robson street in a tizzy! Kind of like live Pikachus. It was very cool - the kids were thrilled, the students were thrilled, parents were beaming, and passersby were made jolly.

My apartment radiator needs to be drained before it'll heat - therefore, as it's cold in here, I'll cook lots of stuff and toss it in the fridge. That way I'll warm up, and I'll have lots of food to munch on. I'm slowly adapting my eating habits to help me not let my blood sugar levels take a dive. It means, basically, that I don't wait to get hungry - I eat a little bit about every two hours to level it out. And that I eat hippie food. That I'm not too fond off; I like the food, but not hippies, and so even the association bugs me a little.

I will NEVER have a discussion about flax seed with someone wearing Birkenstocks. Should you see this about to happen, shove a bloody dead dolphin in my arms and tell me loudly that we're about to be late for our shift at the nuclear plant. It's the least you can do.

Ahhhhh...firecrackers and drunk people setting shit on fire...Hallowe'en.

I want candy, Ghost Bitches!

Cool...a new day...in the last few days I have become reacquainted with a friend, and am very happy for it. Someone who is rather similar in character and temperment to myself (need I actually say sexy, smart, fabulous and modest), so we get along very well most of the time but a disagreement or misunderstanding causes particular misery - when two diehard cynics feel slighted by one another, it is not pretty.

But I think it might be easier to figure out this time around - if the groundrules include, "Yeah, we are, without a sliver of doubt, going to scrap and need to retreat occasionally", then I may be able to resist tossing the whole thing when I'm angry. Did that already and didn't like it...

I have little tolerance for fools (get out of here!); however, unless I also maintain my ties with the few people in this world I trust, the world seems too full of them to want to stay in it. Probably sound advice for anyone.

S...I'm glad you're back.

Holy handlebars! It's raining like Jehu out this way. I'm going out to eat chocolate tonight - then to my friend's place to eat pea soup and pumpkin pie, plus curl up with my dog and watch a movie.

Maybe I'll invite some frogs over too. "C'mon froggies! Get these frogs a bowl of soup! No spoons! Throw some flies in the pie, Chef-man! Move your ass over dog, we got frogs that gotta sit down to eat their pie!"

Crazy. Just stir.

MUSIC OF THE DAY

Telepopmusik
KRS1
Kazzer
Junior Jack remixes
Fischerspooner
Curve
DJ Keoki
Marilyn Manson
Dajae
Ninja Tune various
Club Bizarre
Shaggy
2Unlimited

Sonic rain deflection mix.

Yeah. I'm bored.

However, not so bored I could not compile a handy "Top Six What's In, and What's Out Countdown" to spare you unfashionableness.

Ready?



There. Go forth and be fabulous.

Now here's my question...is there such a thing as too much silliness? Because business, my friend is off. I mean real off...and, so naturally I'm thinking - is it something I said? Is intelligence/goofiness just not sexy? C'mon...I mean you do get two pages of naked pictures, right?

Is it the economy? The Governator? Human Genome Project not paying royalties? Mother of pearl...somethin's gotta give.

CURRENT READING MATERIAL;

Y: The Descent of Man by Steve Jones (no, not that one - the scientisty one)

Why, you may ask, are the Welsh genetically linked to all Native Americans from Alaska to Patagonia? Who, exactly, was (in a global sense) doing who in the last 60,000 years? Well then! This is the tome for you! Meiosis! Mormons! Mutations! Mitochondrial DNA! Read it today!

Somebody asked me if I was Anti-American...not especially. I'm Anti-Dumbass, so that may, on any given day, include the following and all, some, or any neighbouring countries of; the USA, Canada, Israel, North Korea, Palestine, Great Britain, Saudi Arabia, France, China, and, naturally, those trouble-making pricks in Lichtenstein *.

Is Vatican City a country? Because they sure piss me off.

Being American myself (dual citizenship) would make me a bit of a dumbass if I was. Having said that, I'm still sure the hell am not going over the border - last time anybody did, they got their ass sent off to a Syrian jail for a year. If you think I'm going to spend a year rotting my ass off in Greeley, Colorado you got another thing coming. I don't care where you were born - Canadian citizenship should mean Canada deals with you, not some plane-happy US official.

* Disputes - international: claims 1,600 sq km of land in the Czech Republic confiscated from its royal family in 1918; the Czech Republic insists that restitution does not go back before February 1948, when the communists seized power.

You know what I like? Getting $500 and spending it all on bills immediately. Yep. I love a life of idle luxury, oh yeah. Yep. Mmmm Hmmm.

You would not believe the number of folks out there who don't understand that my cost of living doubled when I got into this and think I light hundred dollar bills on fire to get a flame going under my Kraft Dinner. It just ain't so, my friends. Don't believe the hype.

Do you know that there is a Public Enemy song where I swear to God above that Chuck D is going;

"Elvis...was a hero to most...
But he was a racist,
And he liked french toast!"

I could be wrong about that, but still...once you hear it that way, you're screwed. Just a warning.

I love getting ready for a gig. Today I put on Terranova - The Future of Jazz Part II for my bath. Not really jazz - more like spaceship Muzak, which is perfect background noise for shaving one's legs (and sundry other bits). Then came the satsuma body oil and hair-taming, both of which went very well. Then toes and fingernails polished, mascara, etc., and I go and pick which of my many Little Black Dresses is on for the evening.

I like the sleeveless waist-nipped number with the scoop neck edged with black roses for tonight. That and my tried-and-true-true-true strappy black stiletto-heeled sandals. I've been told I have nice toes - even the one that shortened after I was run over by the bus in Mexico. It's this seemingly easily fixed little defect that, as it turns out, isn't. I could go get a new lung (should I lose one), but apparently my shortened wee toe leaves the medical community helpless and agog.

Kind of like how science still hasn't nailed down where the sound comes from in a purring cat, and, despite having studied hordes and hordes of them, a geneticist friend told me they still don't know how fruit flies suddenly materialize around a banana peel.

I think they are stored in cats, which kind of nails both problems.

I have the best neighbours ever. Yesterday we had to go over to the Building of Infamy next door and ask this ESL student to quit flashing a pistol-replica BB gun through the curtains opening onto his balcony. Oh, and to not shoot the chick in the penthouse's windows.

Basically, he played dumb until my building's manager said, "Do it again, and I'll call the cops, and they'll probably shoot your ass." He just did not get why flashing a pistol might not be a good idea. Ironically, around the same time, about 6 blocks away, cops were busy shooting a guy who ran a car at them in a Safeway parking lot.

I'm dying to go to las Vegas for some reason. Why? I cannot tell you other than that Greg guy from CSI Vegas turns my crank...I love geeky yet strong hands on my crank....

And now it's....SMR PREDICTION TIME!

Watch for 'Vegas' motifs in design. Slot machine fruit graphics, cards, chips, roulette wheels; Vegas landmarks, (Hotels, signs); and font styles.




Watch for 'meneki neko' (Japanese Lucky Cat) used as design element.



Let's see if my antennae for upcoming trends is on the money by putting it in writing, and date-stamped.

A cloud came and sat on my neighbourhood today. Which was kind of odd. I was sitting on the roof off my building, on the deck, reading a People magazine I'd found in the laundry room and looked up to find the rest of the world was confined to an area about a block and a half away in all directions. Beyond that had disappeared. Fog is not something I expected in the middle of the afternoon.

I've been dreaming in Spanish lately. What's up with that? Los suenos locos, buey. Ya basta.

Set list of the day;

Art of Noise --- Close (To The Edit)
At The Drive-In --- One Armed Scissor
KRS-1 --- Sound of Da Police
Junior Jack --- E Samba
Doris Day --- Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
Gary Jules --- Mad World
Aphex Twin --- Kick ass Violin Solo
2Unlimited --- Are You Ready For This
Los Locos --- Tic Tic Tac
Johnny Cash --- The Mercy Seat
Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66 --- Berimbau
Otto Waalkes --- Samba de Janeiro
Godspeed You Black Emperor --- I'll Be There When You Die
Gonzales --- Let's Groove Again
Tribalistas --- Carnaval

You know, I could lose a limb on my way home, but as long as I have WinMX and the capacity to build a new music empire at will, I am a happy, happy bivalve. It's good to be alive and me today.

Saw an excellent thing on tv tonight called, "Depression: Fighting the Dragon". PET scans kind of turn that whole "This is your brain...this is your brain on drugs" thing right on its ass. Apparently my brain only lights up like a Keno board (good) when I AM on drugs. That's got to be good for something, I just KNOW it!

This crazed old lady in the building next to me was being a freak, so I went over to talk to the building's management to see what the story was. I didn't even have to say who I was complaining about. The woman's a living legend of looniness. Apparently she used to stalk the halls of her own building and open the mail slots of apartment doors, peer in and sniff, then run and tell the manager that "People were cookin' stuff". Makes the binoculars and eavesdropping thing I see seem like small potatoes.

I was instructed to scream "Mind your own business, Monica!" at her when she is up to no good. Monica is so not a crazy old lady name, that I may have trouble.

Rearranged the hell out of my miniscule apartment last week, and it'll kick your apartment's ass. For rilla. I'm sweet and in heat, and I can fix shit. I replaced the Eye-Blistering Ugly Brown Etched Glass and Fake Fucking Brass swag lamps, both senior and junior with minimal vaguely retro silver fixtures. Or, as they'll be known 15 years from now, by a future tenant, Eye-Blistering Ugly Vaguely Retro and Fake Fucking Nickle light fixtures...

In the future, people are bastards who have no taste.

Ow! motherfucker! I just did that horrible thing where you bust a nail back to like your first knuckle, and it hurts like a bitch and bleeds. Why have the Gods forsaken me like this? This means I have to go to Denman street and pout, but then accidently cheer myself up by buying something retarded at this cool store that sells all this weird crap from a garage sale in some third world country where people laugh and point when they pack this stuff in boxes to send to boutiques where geeks like me buy it.

And I should eat something down there, or I'll swoon. No really, I will. It's trippy!

Well...here's the story - my computer table and chair are horribly bogus, and as a direct result of said bogocity, I can't sit in front of my computer for long without giving myself a headache.

As you might imagine, clients are perplexed when I roll over, look them in the eye, and say, "Dude...I have the worst headache...can we do this some other time? Maybe you can use this opportunity to watch the exciting Fall lineup of new television shows and old returning favourites! Can you please pass me the Advil and get me a glass of water? Does this bed make my ass look fat?"

So, haven't been updating as I should...but thanks to the miracle that is IKEA, I should soon have a sturdy new computer table, hewn by vigorous Swedes from the mighty old growth particle board forests that get wet and disintegrate alongside the magestic fjords.

BUT, I also already have a table top made of real wood, from real squirrel-infested trees, and I'm thinking I'll just buy some IKEAN metal table legs and whip them on that instead. Now I must simply choose between the Dorkst model legs, or the equally charming Knobst or Asshatten styles.

Ahhhh...nothing like sleeping for four days to leave you feeling all minty fresh. Not very entertaining, mind you, but minty. It's like all the stress of the last six months of getting this little venture on its wobbly little chicken feet caught up to me and nailed me with a magic zombie ray.

Not a regular zombie ray, no sir! This is a quality joint! It was a maaaaagic zombie ray.

Bird Bitches!

Yay! Tomorrow the numbskull Persian Pride gangbanger wannabes move the hell out of the apartment next door. And the elevator's broken. Awwwww. Savour the heavy lifting Mr. Shoulder-Through-and-Through, and Mr. Crutches. Maybe your girlfriend can help if she's not too preoccupied with screaming "What th' fuck you lookin' at, Bird Bitches?!" at the seagulls over the parking lot.

I have a plant that is determined to die, no matter how nice I am to it. It is the Sylvia Plath of plants. It's over there in the corner as we speak, holding it's carbon dioxide and turning yellow.

Beware the tyranny of the weak.

Just for the record, my cat is bomb-proof, and Reno-Budgie is perky from his beady little eyes to his pointy white tail. His renovation continues - I'm going to pack his pointy ass off to the bird vet to check on his flaky beak. I've treated said beak and cere for mites before, but I think professional intervention is in order.

I put some new toys in his cage, and now he thinks they're all out to get him. He won't do anything louder than peep. I think he's afraid he'll wake the Colourful Plastic Angry Ones, who will then extract their terrible Colourful revenge. Wait until it gets dark, bird, when the Plastic Ones wake to feed...

H.P Lovecraft, budgie stylie.

I had to go up on the roof and check out Mars, because it's supposed to be like five feet away or something. It WAS pretty cool. I checked out a site called insultmonger.com, where, among other things, it gives up the best swears ever in something like 121 different languages. I have to say, doing bad things to your mother, your butt, or a donkey seem to be universal favourites on the Fuck You Hit Parade.

Somewhere, right now, somebody is going for the gold with "I fuck the butt of your donkey mother!"

On Mars, that is expressed, "<-0-=-=**.|||-=*,,>!" And they aren't fucking around, either - when you hear that, shit's about to get #<<:*.>!

Someone's about to "Come and knock on your door!", as the Earth people say.

Just had a ridiculous week, including a threat to "come and knock on my door, Bitch" by the girlfriend of the gangbanger next door. And of course she's around a lot these days, as her boyfriend (and his roommate) are both recovering from gunshot wounds from the gunfight they got up to a couple of weeks ago.

I took it as an affirmation of my inability to take anything seriously that, mere moments after the words were out of her face, I had the "Three's Company" theme song stuck in my head.

I never chose to be an anecdote; anecdotin' chose me!

And Bubba Sparxxx kicks ass.

You don't even want to know. You really, really don't.

Yikes! A couple of days of migraine and CBC Newsworld. Had to miss meeting a cool guy on Friday :(

BUT...headache more-or-less gone now, so enough caterwauling, I say. Let the games begin anew!

Have to go to see my shrink this afternoon, to see if we can figure out why I'm nuts. Ha! Don't worry folks, we're talking PTSD, not knife-wielding homicidal maniac-style crazy-assness. Go Prozac, go Prozac, It's yer birthday!

Dag! Whatever dipstick dreamed up the damn SoBig virus has annoyed me good. Hate having design-wrecking ugly notices all over my site. Oh well - at least I'll have a chance of avoiding the damn thing...and getting my mail :)

I ate a delicious goat today. Curried, at a Ghanian restaurant behind the Kingsgate mall, and washed down with Ting! A lot like Squirt, if you've had it in Mexico. Basically grapefruit pop, and very yummy. I went with my friend M---, and our dog Q---.

I grew up around too many goats, so I'm taking them off the planet one at a time by eating them. Yum!

Walked around Lost Lagoon today. Do you know they've got ducks down there as big as my head?

I feel really, really, really lucky right now to be living in the city. The rest of the province seems to be burning down. This is terrible. Send them either luck or rain, because man, they surely need it :(

Ever wonder what S.W.A.T teams are up to with all the hand signals?

http://www.stud.ntnu.no/~shane/stasj/div_bilder/signals.png

(go to the bottom right corner of the column of small images with cursor and click on expand button when it appears to make biggie)

Now you know. They'll never pick YOU up again for some stinkin' warrant.

(scooped off Metafilter)

This is, without a doubt, THE single most stupid email I have ever received....

Hello,

I have a proposition for you since were both entreprenur's and you advertise a
service that I would definitely take advantage of
whenever I visit your city, which is approximately six times over the
course of one year.

Time has'nt permitted me to visit your city for several months now
but I intend to venture out your way within the next 4 to 5 months,
then step up these visits to every couple of months. I'm confident
that you and I can engage in some mutual business on a "barter"
basis after you've had the opportunity to review my letter.

Here's the bottom line of my offer to you! Allow me to register you at
ABSOLUTELY NO OUT OF POCKET EXPENSE TO YOU into an internet program that i'm
currently promoting. The Company is called Pacific
Achievements International. PAI for short.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO COST TO YOU OF ANY DESCRIPTION required to join PAI NOW
OR EVER! There is an initial startup investment required to join PAI of $217.00.
This initial investment will be paid by others on your behalf in order to get
you registered into the Program. After your registered PAI will start to place
39 people below you into your personal Profit Centre. You will also be sent your
own personal PAI website.

NO sponsoring of other people is required by you as PAI will place all 39 people
into your Profit Centre. The total time required to do this takes 60 to 90 days.
After the 39th person is placed into your
Profit Centre, then your monthly income starts to commence.

Your Profit Centre pays you a gross monthly income of $2235.00USDA.
PAI then subtracts your monthly membership fee of $217.00 out of your
earnings and sends you a cheque or funds your Debit Card for $2018.00 every
month thereafter.Debit Cards are avilable to order on
the PAI website. You do the math. A WIN..WIN $$$ situation for you!
Everything to gain and nothing to lose. Does'nt get any better than
this! Simply register..sit back..relax and look forward to receiving
your $$$.

The only way to obtain registration into PAI is by personal invitation. This
letter is your personal invitation.

PAI is only open to residents of the U.S.A. and Canada.

Now for the "barter" part of my offer! Allow me to register you into PAI
immediately. After you start receiving your monthly funds i'm confident that
whenever I visit your City, you'll be delighted
to show me your appreciation with your services as i've intoduced
you to an ongoing money machine which can only add to your lifestyle!

By the way...if you desire to increase your monthly income, simply
register your Company (if you have one). Example: Register yourself
personally which pays you $2018.00 and register your Company
seperately. Your monthly income would now increase to $4036.00USDA.
Add your live-in mate and increase this to another $2018.00 into your
household!

Family members and friends may also be registered. The only requirement is that
they must be 18 years of age and residents of
the U.S.A or Canada. Proper names, addresses, phone numbers, etc
must be given as PAI will require SSN numbers before paying as they must comply
with government regulations. If your registering your
Company the same applies. PAI will require your Company tax number
before paying the Company.

I encourage you to NOW take 5 minutes and dial 1-212-990-6280 for a brief
business overview on the workings of PAI. You'll get a clearer
understanding as to how this program really works.

Then simply mail me your first and last name, along with your mailing address,
postal, phone and email address. I'll enroll you
immediately and send you your website link directly to your email
address. If you wish to register your Company, family members or
friends, i'll need you to send me the same info for each individual.
They also, will be sent their own individual link to access their
personal website.

I'm keeping this "barter" proposition open to you for a LIMITED
period of time as needless to say this is a very attractive offer
that will appeal to many people in your line of business. If you have any
questions don't hesitate to email me, otherwise i'll look forward to receiving
your registration details in order to get you started into the program.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,
Matt

My favourite part;

"Now for the "barter" part of my offer! Allow me to register you into PAI
immediately. After you start receiving your monthly funds i'm confident that
whenever I visit your City, you'll be delighted
to show me your appreciation with your services as i've intoduced
you to an ongoing money machine which can only add to your lifestyle!"

And here I thought I was my own 'ongoing money machine'.

My emailed reply, in three words;

You're an idiot.

Okay. So I'm in the Chapters on Robson yesterday, and I see this guy checking me out. That's cool. But then he keeps checking me out, and follows me around the store...because he thinks I'm a shoplifter! So much for sexy!

But here's my question Mr. Loss Prevention...just where was I going to stash these books? In my tanktop? Not enough cleavage, thanks. In my jeans? Um, not being a gangbanger, they were tight Levi 501 button flys with the waistband cut off. Barely enough room for my fine booty, let alone literature, Sir. My purse? Considering it's about the size of a walnut, I'm thinkin' no. My heels? Huh?

So here's the deal Mr. Guy...you are not supposed to be busted as an undercover dude, right? So what you might want to do is not follow people around scowling at them and totally creeping them out...

In other news, we are having yet another incredibly beautiful day here, and I think I may go and find a people-watching patio somewhere...and, if you are a chick with makeup in a drawer somewhere that makes you crazy, you can go to the hardware section on Floor 4 at Eatons in Pacific Centre and buy a little grey plastic toolbox for $6.99, put all your girlie stuff in the cool little spaces inside and feel all organized and virtuous!

Or you could go buy one for $250 at MAC, but I'm not quite there yet...

Most excellent. My dermal lobsterocity has receeded, and all is good in the valley. Except I want Oreo chocolate ice cream. I mean, it's great that I look all fabulous again, but...hello? Ice cream? Is? Where? My? I need my own personal 7-11 monkey that lurks ready by the door, clutching $10 and ready to race off to the Sev and get me treats. Strangely, the cat isn't into it.

I tried it once, but she just ran off to do catnip bong hits with her little stoner cat buddies, and then spent my $10 on Doritos and Visine.

And, just in case I'd hit my head during the day, and, subsequently, suffered retrograde amnesia, thus not remembering spending the afternoon buying $50 worth of ice cream and sticking it in the freezer just so that this kind of thing wouldn't happen - I thought I'd check. Sadly, the contents of my freezer are as follows; one bag of frozen peas, minus roughly six peas (another story); a piece of translucent romaine lettuce; two dead goldfish wrapped (separately) in Saran Wrap; and an unopened bag of Edamame soy beans, "The WONDER VEGGIE". The first three items are related, the fourth is just freezer-burnt.

Yow. Send me one monkey please.

"Woman, thy name is geekfest"

Well, holy crap! Being the dermatologist I'm not, I thought it might be a good idea to use some Nair-style chemical hair remover on my face. The really stupid part is that it's so not neccessary - I have the most minimal of invisible peach fuzz - but have been on this getting-super-smooth-skin-everywhere kick.

And I thought skin tests were for assholes who didn't already know everything about everything.

Now I appear somewhat lobsterish, face-wise. Somewhere, somehow, this has got to be somebody else's fault.

Quit yer laffin' fuzzball!

You know...I always get in the worst computer troubles not when I'm trying to fix something big...but when I'm trying to fix some small little thing. That'll usually end with...well, y'know when the ERT guys throw that stupid smoke grenade thing in - not only do you get the whole stand-off/lawyers/court thing - but then - just TRY and get that crap out of the curtains. Dag!

Another thing...how come I still can't put a condom on with any style whatsoever? It's like trying to land a wet weasel with a greasy piece of saran wrap if you're me.

You know what I really like about being a call girl? Getting kicked the fuck off of escort review sites. It's kind of like getting kicked off the jury at a witch trial...you don't get to hang out with the gang, but then again, you don't end up being a total asshole either. Burn baby, burn.

Hey...just got back from a call. Nice guy, around 45. Of all the things that could drive me crazy about being a call girl, strangely, it's cologne for me. The richer the guy, the scarier the stench. I like the way men smell. But their cologne bites. I feel the same way about perfume, so all I wear is satsuma oil from The Bodyshop. I like the yummy smell of oranges, and it's a little easier for some guy to explain smelling like oranges, rather than some freaky gust of Dior. Also, you don't run the risk of smelling like their wife. That'll bust a mood, yo.